Hillary for Secretary of State: Please God, No

Oh God, please don't let this be true. Hillary Clinton would undermine Obama and make his first two years HELL if this happens:

http://voices.washingtonpost.com/the-trail/2008/11/13/hillary_clinton_secretary_of_s.html?hpid=topnews

She is better left in the Senate, where she can be a strong supporter of universal health care and her other pet causes. She can stay in her seat, which she will comfortably win for the foreseeable future, and be like a new Ted Kennedy, helping to pass massive legislation. She can work in tandem with Obama and be a key supporter there.

However, a woman who so desperately wanted to be President is not going to cede easily to the actual 44th Prez behind the scenes, and that kind of power struggle and backbiting among staff members is exactly what Obama needs to avoid in his choices for main cabinet posts, especially the key post of Secretary of State.

Just remember: the Clintons care first and foremost about the Clinton legacy. Our country could use a great deal more of sacrifice and officials who are willing to make the difficult decisions, and a hell of a lot less of the hubris that comes with the Clinton baggage.

Julia Stiles Is Bringing Recession Homeless Chic Back Into Style for All of Us

This reminds me of Missy Elliot's video for "The Rain" from 10 years ago where she wrapped herself in a trash bag and danced around to Timbaland's beats, and no one faulted her for it, because that song was (to use an appropriate 1998 phrase) off-the-chain.

Julia Stiles, you are no Missy Elliot.

Trash bags (even shiny ones!) are not acceptable attire, and if my fears are confirmed and you are in fact wearing said trash bag over a pair of leggings, you have lost my respect forever. Christ, it's the premiere of a Bond movie, the most misogynistic event possible, in which you are practically required to show cleavage as an homage to Bond girls of the past. Incidentally, the Wax Museum in London should look into doing a series of past Bond girls, because that would be awesome.

Back to you, Jules...throw out the goddamn leggings. Shave your legs. Pick out a red dress that shows off your decolletage. Attend Bond premiere. Smile. Receive offer to star in a romantic comedy film, in which you can win back our love and admiration. Oh, and take Missy Elliot off your Blackberry contact list -- her fashion advice is...not good, ever.

Minnesota Senate Races? Yeah, This Ish is Bananas

First: if you've been reading up and expecting daily updates, sorry -- serious family issues took precedence here in P'Cola, but I'm back now.

The race between Norm Coleman and Al Franken is the most insane political race I've seen in quite some time.

1) It's not over yet -- the recount process continues and it looks like (as of today) Franken is ahead by a miniscule amount of votes. Minnesota law demands a well-organized system where votes are audited first, then recounted, and lastly finished by the entire judges-examining-the-ballots stage. This could take awhile.

2) Minnesota voters felt both candidates were complete assholes and as a result, their approval ratings have been extremely low throughout the campaign and now in this purgatory period where we figure out what to do. Perhaps it's because Norm Coleman is an ineffectual Senator who is as likable a public figure as Nixon, and perhaps people are afraid that Al Franken has simply done too much cocaine to do menial tasks, much less make important decisions on Senate votes. Who knows?

3) Florida all over again, minus the dimpled chads nonsense of 2000. Experts say the lead in the race could shift several more times before it's all over. There are questions about whether some absentee ballots were counted or not. As previously stated, this ish is bananas.

4) As pointed out by New York Times columnist Gail Collins, Coleman had the meanest ad in the campaign, but the most hilarious! He found really beat "Hollywood celebrities" to express their disgust at having to work with Franken! The ad included Stephen Baldwin, Pat Boone, former SNL cast member Victoria Jackson, and a slew of others who jumped at the chance for air time. That ad almost makes me want to vote for him, for who am I to disagree with a Baldwin brother?

5) Franken's essay in Playboy called "Porn-O-Rama" became a central issue in the race! Good lord, how did I miss this insanity? It almost makes me want to brave the bitter Minnesota cold if their political campaigns are all like this.

We'll see who wins, maybe by 2011. In the meantime, I hope both sides continue to keep it classy. I doubt it.

Wild on Tara: Menthol-Chain-Smoking Edition (Not Safe for Eyes)

I'm sure this question has been asked before, but:

Didn't she have those things fixed? Isn't there a plastic surgeon who can fix her bad lipo for about $3,000? Can't Harvey Weinstein or some Hollywood producer pony up the miniscule amount of money it takes to fix this if the public is going to be subjected to more photo-ops of this washed-up coquette? (really, it's been awhile since she made a film, so I'm searching for cute puns and...failing)

Schwarzenegger Loves Having It Both Ways

I feel so comforted by the fact that the Governator (Ahnuld) has made a public statement telling gay couples in California "not to give up" on their rights to get legally married. We can all breathe a sigh of relief, knowing that although California voters rejected the legalization of all gay marriages that happened before November 4th as well as all gay marriages after that date, Arnold predicts that it won't last forever.

Open discrimination for a few more years, and the vague hope of a bright future where same-sex marriage is legalized in your state and all others. Right.

Governor Schwarzenegger, who spent a lot of time campaigning for McCain/Palin, who has in the past expressed his disapproval of same-sex marriage, wants to have it both ways.

In a typical Ah-nuld analogy, he compared the fight for same-sex marriage to his bodybuilding pursuits in the 1970s. "I learned that you should never, ever give up...these people should never give up. They should be on it and on it until they get it done." As if the massive movement against Proposition 8 in California was the equivalent of the 3rd-place loser in the 1975 World Bodybuilding Championship.

Thanks for the memo, you condescending jackass. The so-called "gay rights movement" has been "on it" through millions of dollars, millions of supporters, and a tidal wave of change in the past twenty years. The Human Rights Campaign trumps your bodybuliding career (and your horrendous movie career, and your social-climbing Kennedy-marrying career, and your showboating political career.) The movement will continue, the dream of overturning blatant discrimination in your state and others will continue, and I don't need to hear Republican governors telling me that my best wasn't good enough.

By the way, Arnold: your not-very-publicized "public opposition" of Proposition 8 was helpful, except for all of those times that you campaigned with the same Republican Congressmen and the same McCain campaign that publicly supported it. I'm sure that one press release that your office put out opposing the Proposition really makes you feel like you helped a great deal.

Thanks a lot. I think I'll turn to ESPN4 and watch a bodybuilding competition, in order to get fully inspired for the events yet to come.

I Couldn't Have Said It Better Myself

Bob Herbert's great opinion column from the Times today:

http://www.nytimes.com/2008/11/08/opinion/08herbert.html?_r=1&ref=opinion&oref=slogin

Underappreciated Actresses: Laura Dern

Some actresses manage to carve out indie careers that should be applauded. They avoid the usual Hollywood bullshit scripts ("She's blind! But she's also Scarlett Johanssen! And she's on a sinking ship! But of course, she will be the only survivor because her enormous breasts will allow her to stay afloat until help arrives! Coming: Summer 2010!") They pick out roles that pay far less, but choose to work with better directors. Sometimes they are forced into a major blockbuster or two to pay bills, but their entire daily focus does not seem to revolve around grabbing a Chai Latte at Starbucks in front of Italian paparazzi.

I think I'll start a category of these actresses. Of course, my first choice was Anna Nicole Smith, whose morphine-induced utterance of the iconic line "Like my body?" is one for the ages. Then I realized that was completely misogynistic and tasteless, and she's also never starred in a movie, so I scrapped that idea.

Next, I went to Laura Dern. Laura Dern kicks so much ass. She's basically the very cool older aunt that I always wanted, the artist or A&R rep for a major record label or a successful writer who would drop in and out of my life, and send me cool postcards and the best new CDs from bands I had never heard of before.

Her movie choices rock. Here's a sample:

1. Citizen Ruth: She plays a single, knocked-up woman considering having an abortion, whose entire pregnancy turns into a farce and parody. It's the only movie I've ever seen that makes fun of both the pro-choice and pro-life movements at the same time, and it's the first movie written and directed by Alexander Payne (Sideways, About Schmidt, Election). Laura Dern is fantastic -- she is a woman pulled in all directions, and one whose own personal choices are poor at best, but she's never melodramatic, just basically bemused by all the attention that her one choice brings to others who have never met her.

2. Wild at Heart: The best of the three David Lynch movies she starred in. It also involves Nicholas Cage, and various shenanigans that are best viewed on screen because they are so bananas that I can't describe them in detail here (Sara Mieckowski can back me up on this)

3. Recount: This was a TV movie released just this year, but she plays a SPOT-ON version of Katherine Harris during the 2000 presidential election recall, one that is surprisingly sympathetic to a woman who has become nothing more than a caricature in American politics. Bonus points for Kevin Spacy being in the movie playing famed laywer David Boies.

4. We Don't Live Here Anymore: She didn't get an Oscar nomination for this, but damn well should have. It's a nasty movie. In one 5-10 minute scene, she turns the tables on her cheating husband by emasculating him about his terrible skills at work, at home, and in bed so badly that he literally crumples into a puddle of tears. It's phenomenal, and so is the rest of her performance.

Yeah, Laura Dern was in the Jurassic Park movies, but they weren't THAT bad, and a girl has to eat, right? But I love her and hope that she'll continue to make really interesting, dynamic choices for movie roles.